County Redistricting 101

We’ve learned that one of our county Commissioners is following the steps in the little known top-secret manual, “Simple Ways to Take Care of Political Opponents” as he stealthily works to eliminate potential political opponents for he and his buds on the Board… Shhhh, don’t tell anyone that we found a copy of the manual… Here are a few pointers from the first chapter, “Redistricting 101”:

First, find out where all your potential opponents live.

Second, draw a map putting all of your potential opponents in someone else’s district.
Note: If you’d like to curry favors and goodwill from your political allies, try to take care of their potential opponents, too! Remember, you need to keep your allies happy! It’s in YOUR best interest also as you definitely don’t want to have any of your potential opponents win any seat… your goal is to attempt to shut them down completely! To do it right, be sure to put your potential opponents in the district of someone you don’t like and /or put them in the district of someone none of them would want to run against.

Third, try to find a way to make it look like it’s something you’re doing for the “good of the people.” If you can’t figure out a way to do that, then make it look like you’re being pushed by outside forces to do the redistricting. You already have a devious nature or you wouldn’t be reading this manual, thus it’s not necessary for us to provide numerous ideas for cloaking your true intentions.

Fourth, if at all possible, do a sneaky-pete and try to slip it through without a public hearing. If caught, pull a “huh-duh, didn’t know that we had to”. Then, instead of doing the public hearing at a time when the public can actually have some input, stick it in a meeting during a weekday when everyone is working.

Unfortunately, he must have stopped reading before he read the last chapter, “Avoiding Pitfalls”. There are too many pitfalls in the chapter to begin to cover in this short blog, but we’ll touch on two that pertain directly to the issue at hand.

Before you can redistrict those potential opponents out of your life, you have to be absolutely sure they aren’t planning to move any time in the near future. No one, but no one, will believe you if you try to change the map a second time.

Second, the manual states over and over, chapter after chapter (but it’s emphasized in Avoiding Pitfalls) that you cannot ever, ever tell anyone what you’re doing. Anyone. You’d be surprised at how people like to share secrets, even when you’re just doing something to try and help them out.